My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.