My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.