My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
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[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.