My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
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Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
A family that plays together cheats.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Software Development ⛵️
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
#dnd #ttrpg
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.