My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
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My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.