My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
the Monday after daylight savings
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university