My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
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You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
This was my dad’s browser history.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.