My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude