My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
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Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams