my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
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Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
his wife is probably gonna see that
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?