my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
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instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
the noise i just made
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!