My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity