@Anon_o_Mom

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

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@Glittery_Love

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

@GrowlyGrego

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

@Tbone7219

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

@Ideal_Victoria

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

@MarieColette

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@kelkulus

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

@JordanPeele

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.