My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.