My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
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I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.