My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
You Might Also Like
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
time for some seasonal decor
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh