My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
what does he know…
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants