My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
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Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Good morning!
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺