My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
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*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.