My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
You Might Also Like
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me: