My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
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Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.