My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*