My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
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Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!