My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.