My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
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ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Actually cracking up @ this
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I hate my earbuds.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs