My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
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I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?