My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Perfect
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut