My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
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Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.