My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
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sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Strange
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.