My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.