My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing