My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
channeling her this year
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?