@Breadery Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
@traciebreaux My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
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@Breadery 
@WilliamAder My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
@GashleyMadison [Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
@ArfMeasures Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
@samalmightysam -Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
@Ohaiqtpie I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
@ddsmidt Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
@TheTweetOfGod When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
@Contwixt You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
@nopoweradeinusa parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide