My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

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Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?


My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.


Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what


-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.


I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.


Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.


When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.


You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.


parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide