My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

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“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”


My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake



So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?

Superman: Are you being serious right now?


Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.


it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”


[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?


ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now


ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all


Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.


If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.