My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
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Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Love is in the air fryer.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…