My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
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Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back