Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk what this dog had been going through but same

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.