My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
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*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…