My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.