Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.

“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

*After a dental appointment*

4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Thinking outside the box.. 😅

Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

Schrödinger: Nice, nice

Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

a group of crows is a murder

a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.