My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

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[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”


THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.


The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold


him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move


Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.


Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*


What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?