My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
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London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Become ungovernable.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.