My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
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Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.