@sarcasticmommy4

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

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@1evilidiot

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

@weinerdog4life

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

@davejorgenson

Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall

@FatBottomGirl1

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

@Cheeseboy22

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

@CaucasianJames

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

@IamEnidColeslaw

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

@tastefactory

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.