My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?


I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.


Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall


Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.


When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”


marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad


The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.


LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem


You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.