@1evilidiot A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
@sarcasticmommy4 My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
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@1evilidiot 
@weinerdog4life I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
@davejorgenson Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
@FatBottomGirl1 Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
@Cheeseboy22 When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
@1followernodad I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
@CaucasianJames marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
@IamEnidColeslaw The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
@tastefactory LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
@NickSwardson You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.