Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!

10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?

Me: Sure, what flavor?

10: Swordmint

Me:

10: Sharpmint

Me:

10:

Me: Spearmint?

10: YES!

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

🤣😂🤣

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”

At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.