My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
You Might Also Like
I wish all tests were things you peed on
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home