My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?