My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
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“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”