My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
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Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Lube but for my dry humor.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Is….Is this an option?
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”