My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
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@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol