My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
good for her
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival