Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before

stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day

Mood.. 😂

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat

ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*

BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Interior designer.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from