My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
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Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
God has abandoned us.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf