My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!