My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
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I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.